THE LAST BREATH

  Quietly sitting in the room I had known since I was ten years old, the memories of the first days when I entered this community and all the obligations I went through to become a vestal, a priestess of the goddess Vesta, incharged with guarding the eternal fire ( ignis inextinctus) which symbolizes the permanence and permanence of the Roman state( Roman Empire).

  The memories of my family were constnanly coming into my mind, a family of patrician origin, which had all the conditions, so that I, their younger daughter, could become a vestal after the example of my older sister, who had been one for five years. This all gave me an advantage over the other girls who lived in my neighborhood. With the condition, of course, that both my parents are alive and that I was born in a marriage contracted in a strictly prescribed solemn form of confereatio. I didn't have any speech impediment or any other physical handicap. My parents were never slaves nor did they behave dishonorably towards the enemy, we had land holdings on the Apennine peninsula.

  I later found out that these were all conditions in order for me to enter the ranks of the first 20 girls from whom the final selection was made by lottery, in order to avoid any bias. After that, I left my family and lived in the house of the Vestal, which was located between the two ancient streets of the Forum, Via Sacra and Via Nova. I remember my mother's smile and tears, how happy she was about everything, next to her was my father who stood calmly and proudly, holding my younger brother in his arms and waving at me. It was difficult for me, I was leaving my blood family and joining a new one. Even though I knew how much I was honoring my mother and my family, I was breathing hard, my heart was constricting in my lungs, which did not give me enough air to tell her: "I'm scared." Approaching the new house Atrium Vestae, in front of the most famous part of the house where there was a spacious rectangular courtyard - an atrium with a pool in the middle and a garden surrounded by porticoes with numerous columns after which it got its name, my older sister was waiting for me. It would later become my favorite part of the house where I spent the most time. It was because of the pool and the calming water that always gave me a dose of calmness and wisdom. It was the only way to see a large amount of water gathered in one place. Even the famous Aristotle always had a glass of water on his desk just to calm him down. The pool was surrounded by numerous statues of vestal women, which were arranged as it should be.

  When taking a vow of chastity, I had to cut off my hair and attach it to a sacred lotus tree as an offering to the goddess, and when it grew back, I tied 6 braids with a woolen ribbon of black and red wool. I was dressed in a robe of pale white wool, like the clothes worn by brides before a wedding. When I participated in sacrifices, I would drape a white veil over my head (suffibulum) and wear a hood trimmed with red ribbon fastened with a buckle under my chest. Not only with modest clothing, but also with my behavior, I respected the strict rules of chastity and modesty.

  All those memories flashed through my head in a split second. My whole life was there before my eyes, I guess that's how it happens before big events in life.

  Everyone in the family was so busy, slaves running around me, helping me get ready for the biggest celebration I will ever experience. It was the first and the last given in the life of a vestal girl. My mother cried non-stop, I tried to calm her down by telling her how much I love her and that everyone has to face this, and she herself knew why and to what extent I agreed to the sacrifice, the day I accepted the decision of the collegium of the pontiff-supreme priesthood. Love for my brother did not allow me to do otherwise. He was not here, he was in Umbria. No one knew that except me and my mother, who gathered the courage to stop crying and support me with the same pride with which she saw me off the day I left home.

I knew the collegium's decision even before they made it public. That's why I agreed, in order to give my brother time to go to Umbria. It was the only way and my mother knew it, she understood me, because she also had a brother, she understood the love of a sister for her brother. Before she gave me those heavy clothes, she gave me a sweet wine with the aroma of fruit, its effect had a calming effect on me, it made my heart beat slower allowing me to breathe easier.

  Going out of the house, followed by the ceremony devoid of the outward signs of my title, but although there was no one in the streets of Rome, everyone knew what it was about.

   In a covered litter, dressed in those heavy robes, my blood family was behind me and followed me, although I could not see anything, I knew where I was based on the road. I arrived at the forum where I heard the crack of the whip that soldiers use to get their horses going. But their voices were not heard. The ceremony continued at the Campus sceleratius within the city walls. At that place, a small underground room with a bed, a table, a lamp and some food was prepared, just in my honor. As soon as they arrived, the high priest raised his hands to the sky saying prayers, then he opened the litter in which I was and led me to the opening in the underground room where I went down the ladder. Going down, I looked at my mother, telling her not to worry. I didn't make sudden movements, I felt a little sleepy as if I hadn't slept for several days, tired of everything, I just wanted to lie down and catch a few hours of sleep. But I followed the priest's assistants who led me to the interior of my future tomb and left me there, after leaving they took out the ladder and buried the opening. The terrain then had to be completely leveled, so that the burial site would remain without any markings. With that, I was consigned to eternal oblivion, and my closest relatives had no place to commemorate me.

   I quietly laid down on the bed and turned off the lamp, the wine that my mother gave me had poison in it that slowly extinguished the functions of my body. I began to dream that I was falsely accused of breaking the vow of chastity, because I constantly emphasized my beauty and was more free-spirited in the presence of a gladiator. The cracks of the whip that I heard in the square were meant for him. I was only thinking about my little brother who had received political protection in Umbria which protected him from accusations here in Rome.

The last thing I remember was my family.

Belgrade, Serbia, 2008.